Even A Blind Squirrel Gets A Nut.

This passed Memorial day all my friends from college and our buddy from the Navy came home to celebrate the holiday in good old King George. I was excited being its been nearly 6 months since the last time we all saw each other.

That friday I went to a party with my girl friend I was looking forward to it because it was the first party we have ever gone to, shes not much of a drinker like I am.  I went to the liquor store and got a gallon of Vodka, now you know you need help when the cashier at the liqour store says ” sweetie I know your a regular but I need to scan your liscnese to complete the transaction” I find that funny yet sad at the same time.

So that friday we went to the house party I walk into the door not knowing any of these people holding a giant cooler filled with my personal alcohol just for me. I figured I would just get drunk and not care. So a couple hours in everyone is pretty much acting stupid besides me my girlfriend and our friend that came with us. We started playing beer pong and I didnt expect us to do so good I say this because my girlfriend wasnt drinking so I had to drink ALL the cups that was made.

By the fourth game we actually played against a team that was good, they made three fucking cups in a row all of which I had to drink I downed two and when I put the third one up to my mouth I threw up…right on my girlfriends feet she was wearing flip flops :( she was not happy.

so they decided to take me to her house and on the way home I signaled that I was about to get sick again, before she could pull the car over I jumped out and got sick yet again fuck my life, we finally made it home and they helped me to the upstairs bathroom where I continued to throw up it was so bad that blood was coming out which lead my girl friend to flip out. she called her mom and then poison control who told her to take me to our nearest hospital poison control even told our hosipital I was on the way and my situation.

But I refused to go mainly because I knew it was unessasry ive been way worse and I knew I would make it, and because I couldnt afford another hospital bill. I had them all really worried and upset but 7 am the next morning I was up and awake like nothing happend.

Now heres the thing at 5am I was suppose to leave with my family to go on a family vacation with them canoeing down the river and camping all weekend but I had my girlfriend call and leave a message around 3am saying I got to drunk and I wont be able to make it.. son of the year strikes again.

Saturday was pretty boring to say the least I just recovered from the night before all day and that night I was the designated driver for a few friends of mine.

Sunday was when the real fun began, we all went out boating for a few hours and while on the boat I found these big thick black sunglasses that made me look like a blind guy when I wore them, so I came up with a bright idea that tonight when we went out bar hoping we should all pretend im blind and see what happens and we did just that. the first place was a resturant much like Hooters and thats were we met a few people from Virginia Tech that didnt know me as soon as they introduced me I put my hand out to shake theres..but they were half way across the table no where near arms reached apparantly they looked at me like I was high on bath salts I kept my hand there for atleast 3 minutes until putting it down realizing they werent going to shake my hand. 

the entired time I stared off into the sky with my dark sunglasses on until one girl whispered to one of my firends that was sitting next to her ” whats his deal?” he explained to her that recently I became blind from a racing accident and they were taking me out so I didnt feel like anything has changed, she felt sorry for me and tried to comfort me I just told her they are only taking me out so I could be there designated driver, she began cracking up. 

Another couple showed up that they knew and they were easy to convinced that I was blind mainly because they are pretty fucking gullible. After we got our tabs we decided to go into downtown and go bar hoping. two of my friends picked me up and guided me to the parking lot, I heard a guy as we pass say ” look at that fucking drunk idiot” I played it cool and just ignored him.

One we got into the car where no one could see us we fucking lost it, we were laughing so hard that I was crying. we couldnt believe that all seven of us is pulling  this off as me being blind.

We get into downtown and its time to go back to being blind, one of my friends helps me out of the car and helps guides me down the street brandon finds a small american flag thats posted into the ground he decides to steal and an force it into my hand it was approiate being it was memorial day weekend after all. 

We finally get to the bar and after them helping me get my ID out of my wallet the for the bouncers and them helping me up the steps the bouncers asked ” is he really blind?” they all said yes and I replied with ” But that doesnt mean I cant fucking party!” the bouncers laughed and was like you are awesome.

so we all sat down and ordered drinks and the couple that met me earlier started asking all these questions.

Ignorant Girl: What color does my hair sound like?

Me: juding by that stupid fucking question Im going to have to guess your Blonde

Ignorant Girl: OMG! your right!!

After about an hour the couple left and I frankly got tired of being blind four hours of it is enough for me, so I pulled of my glasses walked over to the girl that was still convienced that I was grab her and yelled ” OMG I CAN SEE!!!!” she looked as if she just witnessed a miracle and then we all told her what the deal was… and she smacked the shit out of me but she thought it was funny also.

There is more to the story that goes on after we leave the bar but I will save that for another time.

asker

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

I can barely remeber what I ate for breakfast today let alone a memory when I was little but Id have to say going to one of my dads races and watching him flip his car and seeing everyone run in panic to help him I was probably about 5 at the time

Hookah Bar And Solar Flares

Now this happend recently only a few months ago my girlfriend finally turned 18 and I was no longer a sex offender, its an awesome feeling knowing you got away with a crime for so long. Anyways she wanted to go to the hookah bar to celebrate being she can finally do it. Now most of you know me and know I HATE HATE HATE smoking. Its a totally turn off for me and I find it repulsive. My first plan was to not even go I didnt see a point. Then I decided that I was not about to stay home when its the weekend so my original plan was to go to the bar with one of my old co workers from Hollister after she got off work and my buddy Patrick ( you know so it didnt look weird me going with another girl to a bar when im dating someone).

Well my girlfriend and her friend and I left to go up town at the same time and I was just going to chill at the hookah bar until Deborah got off work. Well of course as I’m driving up to town I get a text from my buddy saying he cant come out due to money…im pissed so now I just drove up to town for practically nothing and I had to cancel it with Deborah.

So we get at the hookah bar and I just start ordering Coronas, I’m not in a good mood at all and im just sitting there drinking this over priced bottle of piss contemplating in my head what I should do. After the second beer and my girlfriend     asking if I wanted to try hookah I decided my best decision was FUCK IT. I did hookah and immediately was confused as to why is this shit so “awesome” after about 3 hits you get light headed for a few minutes and then thats it I still find it pretty retarded. So the night goes on my girlfriend her friend and I decided to start dancing my girlfriends friend gets hit on by this curly headed fuck who has a Persian accent. And my girlfriend and I are just having a good time.

Now its 12:00 am and its time to go this is when the fun part happens we walk out and Lynnsey ask if I’m ok to drive ( I’ve only had four bottles of piss ) and I said yeah Im not tipsy or anything. But then we noticed two cop cars just waiting in the parking lot for everyone and we all decided it was best if Lynnsey drove my car and her friend drives her car and followed me to my house.

So not but about 5 miles down the road I get that ” Oh fuck me” feeling in my stomach yeah that feeling you get when you know shits about to hit the fan and in a few seconds your going to be sounding like a retarded lion giving birth to a whale. I immediatly rolled down my window and began to throw up my insides because for the passed two days I had absolutly nothing to eat due to me being sick.

Lynnsey goes into worried gf mode and pulls over and I continue to throw up. Once    it was over she cared to explain how some of it hit her in the face when I rolled the window down, I couldnt help but laugh. At this point im like fuck the world. and we began driving again now my car is ghetto and the speedometer doesnt work so instead I use my gps to tell how fast we are going well she kept asking me to tell her the speed and it kept losing signal and this is basically how the conversation went.

Lynnsey: babe how fast are we going

Nalls: I dont know it keeps losing fucking signal

5 minutes later

Lynnsey: is it reading yet?

Nalls: No fucking solar flares must be fucking with the gps!!

Apparently I thought the cause of my gps not working was solar flares. So I said fuck it and I rolled down my window so I couldnt smell the stinch she then asked if I could roll up the window and I told her no because it smells like college and I hate that smell because it reminds me of all the fun I didnt get to have.

So when finally make it into town and I insisted that we go to the car wash so I can wash my car because I am not taking this puke covered ghetto mobile back to my house for my parents to wake up to in the morning.

Now first thing I do when we get there is I immediatly go and start to piss in the water drain in one of the car ports. After I finish Lynnsey was sure to let me know that there are cameras all over this place and yup! sure enough I pissed right in front of a camera.

Now get this mental image in your head, I am now washing my car covered in puke shirtless with nothing but shorts on and signing at the top of my lungs ” Working at the car wash” yeah I’m ashamed of myself at times also. We are finally on our way to my house and sure enough not a mile before we get to my house I puke all over my car..again fuck my life. 

They drop me off I speed down my driveway and head straight for my bathroom where I spent the remainder of the night I woke up around 6am and was feeling alot better so I made a rational educated decsion.. to go back to the car wash and  finish washing my car. So I did just that 6 in the morning washing the puke off my car I then come home and walk through the door to find that I had woken my dad up and he wanted to know what was going on.

Dad: your just now getting in?

Nalls: no Ive been here since one but I had to go out to wash my car

Dad: what? why are you washing your car now!?!?!

Nalls: I threw up all over it I was drinking but dont worry Lynnsey drove me home and she didnt drink

Dad: shakes his head and goes back to his bed

Awkward way to end the night but none the less pretty comical.

Being an Activist Can Be Fun!

As Im writing about this I’d like to say that it just literally happen only about an hour ago and when my friend called me up and I told her what I had done she busted out laughing so then it hit me.. what I had done may of been the most funniest thing I have ever done in my drunken stupor.

So at the beginning of this Friday it was depressing to say the least at the beginning of the week I had all these awesome plans for the weekend that by the end of the week they had all folded and I was stuck with nothing to do.

I havent been home for the weekend in probably 9 months and thats not an exaggeration either. I cant stand to be stuck at home when I have the means to be out doing something. But tonight it looked like I was going to do just that, I ended up going to a restaurant and ordering a shit ton of unnecessary expensive food all by myself I’m talking shrimp crab cakes the whole nine yards. The waitress must of thought I was the loneist guy on earth at that moment. I then went to this bar thats on a man made beach thing right beside the water. Its nice and friendly and the bartender that I have gotten to know was talking about her marriage and how she wish she was witty because every one is talking shit to her on facebook about her recent marriage. So I told her wanna come off as a douchebag? give me your phone and let me make a facebook status I made one she nearly pissed herself and ask where the fuck do I come up with this stuff. Sadly I have no answer for that and it scares me sometimes what runs through my mind.

Anyways her shift ended she said thanks for making her laugh and proceeded to leave also. The entire time at the bar I was texting everyone I knew frantically trying to get something put together so I didn’t have to go home on a friday night. But everyone seemed to be preoccupied with family bullshit. 

So I decided to adventure off on my own into town about 45 minutes away. Now let me make this clear I dont drink and drive If I dont think I can pass the sobrioty test I wont get behind the wheel at this point I was fine to drive I had sober up from talking to the bar tender about how facebook drama is stupid yet entertaining. And this is the first time going into town solely to drink by myself I dont like it because usually I get too drunk to drive and I always have someone else take me home but tonight I was willing to sleep in my car just so I didnt have to come home. And boy am I glad I did.

once I finally found a parking spot I began to look for this bar called The Otter House Ive been there before its filled with a bunch of artsy wannabe hipsters so there would be plenty of fuel to entertain myself at there disgrace. But as I was looking for this place something caught my eye a group of about 5 or 6 hipster looking girls putting up posters then I glanced and noticed holy fucking shit it was the KONY 2012 posters!!!! Then the next thing hit me…. holy shit tonight is the night where people who act like they care about irrelevant shit goes out and puts Kony posters all over there city.

If you ever watched the Grinch when he gets that evil look in his eye that is the best way to describe my facial expression.. just add a little bit more downsy look to mine. So I got this bright idea to take down as many posters as I can while following them. I took down alot and began throwing them away, now im all about supporting shit but they where supporting someone who got caught drunk beating off in public I mean what the fuck? I dont care how drunk I get I dont whip my dick out and start going to pound town on it so I was not about to have his filth all over this beautiful town. I eventually got tired of grabbing them all ( and tired of fucking walking). and I eventually caught up to them at a stop light and began to well completely destroy all there beliefs.

Nalls: hey is the whole KONY 2012 thing tonight?

Fat activist: yeah it is!

short hipster acticist: wow you know about it? ( and kinda stares likes shes starstuck)

Nalls: You know he got busted for jerking off in public right?

Fat activist: OMG we dont stand for him we stand for the invisible children.

Nalls: oh shit you got a KONY 2012 shirt where did you get it?

Fat activist: we ordered it offline with our care package

Nalls: so you paid for it?

Fat activist: yeah 

Nalls: hahahahahah!!! thats fucking stupid

I began to walk away and heard them utter things about me being a asshole but whatever at least I don’t support a guy whos likes to get drunk and beat off in public and is all about children…….wait that came out wrong

First Impressions Was Never My Forte

Before I begin to share my experience with you in this short story I would like to thank you for taking the time to reading ( and hopefully laughing ) at what I am about to share. 

I wanted the first experience that I share be one of the more funnier ones so you wanted to come back for more so I hope this one does just that. So with my Girlfriends permission I will now share to you our first ever encounter.

Now to truly appreciate this story you first must know the back story, of how we became in contact with each other and how we eventually got to the point of meeting up. I will try to keep it short and sweet because im sure you guys could give two shits about how we know each other.

So first off we met through a mutual friend who said that we are just alike same personality and humor you know the kind who finds things that normal people find offensive hilarious, and boy was she right after our mutual friend told my girlfriend about me she eventually added me on Facebook and for like two weeks straight we did what everyone else does on Facebook when you want it to be apparent that you like someone… like every fucking status and picture they post.

So this went on for awhile and then I finally found my ball sack and gave her my number and set plans to meet up and chow down on some Noodles and Company. And now here where the fun starts.

The night before our big first date I thought it would be a great idea to go to one of my old high school buddies parties. It was a typical party with my group same friends that we’ve been friends with for years just drinking and hanging around the fire being it was summer and most where home from college.

I’m weird when it comes to drinking sadly I have a pretty high tolerance from drinking on a regular basis but on rare occasions I have nights where it just puts me on my ass before I know what hit me and this was one of them nights. Everything was going fine until some dumb ass decided to play a drinking game that involves thinking, about ten minutes later and around six room temperature Coors crushed due to my inability to figure out what the hell was the object of this game I began to feel really dizzy and nausea. 

So I did what I always do when I feel this way…. Make myself a nice warm bath and hop in that bitch. Now before you say ” what the fuck is wrong with you” hey now I have friends who are known to piss themselves and another who is famous for  taking his clothes off and rubbing shaving cream all over himself. So I find me making a bath for myself when I don’t feel well to be perfectly fine.

Now even when im drunk im considerate I dont lock the door to the bath room because anyone whos been to a party knows the bathroom is prime real estate at one time you can have 3 guys pissing in the same toliet talking about what they want to accomplish in life and its perfectly normal so I was not about to fuck everyone over.

So there I laid naked in a warm tub of water and im at the stage where Im about to pass out but im not fully there yet. when I here the door open and the sounds of what can only be describe as a horse giving birth right beside me ( mind you I have the shower curtain closed so the mental image of my naked self in the tub wouldn’t ruined anyones physiological state of mind). And what I recollected was this girl not even a foot away from me was throwing up what sounded like her organs. as I layed in the tub I remembered ” you know it would be hilarious if I just pulled the curtain back and start petting her hair telling her it’ll be over soon” but I didnt want to kill her from startling her and making herself choke on her vomit.

At this point the other two guys left her in there to have some privacy not knowing  I was in that very same room naked. Soon afterwards she stopped throwing up and  noticed that there was someone clothes lieing all over the floor and at that moment I think she heard the water make a splash noise from me trying to get comfortable. She pulls the curtains back

Girl: what the fuck are you doing

Nalls: hey hope your feeling better!

Girl: laughs and shuts the curtains and proceeds to get the fuck out of there

I then pass out and I woke up very early that morning and left to go to my house to get ready for my date. We decided to meet up at a mutual place and ride together to save on gas now lets think about this, this is the first time she has ever seen me other than facebook pictures but we all know those can be more deceiving than the republican party. So as I get out of my car to get into her’s shes sees this long haired, non shaven guy wearing sunglasses on a rainy overcast day and holding a large bottle of Gatorade. Why she didnt just drive off and leave me is beyond me.

So I get in and introduced myself by following it up with I’m hungover. I begin to tell her the story and she thought it was funny but lets be honest with ourselves here. she had a 21 year old hungover guy who works part time at a ice cream store in her car and was about to go on a date with him. We discuss this alot and we both agree her judgment is sometimes not the best. We decide to go see the Hangover 2 ( appropriate I know ) and go to Noodles and Company while there I couldnt eat anything it all tasted the same every time I took a deep breath I still tasted the beer. 

I would just randomly stare off and lose my train of thought being im pretty sure my brain cells where still dieing from the night before. I then looked outside and noticed it was raining and made a statement about how I like the rain she immediately with no hesitation called me a faggot. Soon afterwards we left and she dropped me off. Now you would think that after that pathetic excuse of a date she  would casually just stop talking to me, but no she came back for more and we’ve been dating ever since.

I lost my “Bar Virginity”

Unlike all my other posts that I’ve written this one is not really serious and more comical none the less you still can learn a few things by reading about my adventure my friend Dana and I had.

So I just turned 21 and like every 21 year old the big thing is to take advantage of the privileged that now your allowed to drink at bars. So my best friend Dana called me up out of nowhere the first thing she said when I picked up was ” Hey wanna go drink” obviously my answer was yes.

So first we headed to the mall in town so she can get an outfit, I love her to death but shes one of those girls that has to have a new outfit every time we go out. So we get her stuff and she starts changing in the car and im looking around making sure no one is around being it looked as if I just order a classy hooker and Im not really wanting a prostitution charge on me that night ( maybe another night though ).

After that ordeal we went into downtown to this fancy German bar/restaurant. The waiter gives us are menus, of course I was more focused on the alcohol menu than the food. After about 3 seconds of looking at the menu I quickly started to realize I dont know what the hell to order as a drink. This thing had hundreds of different beers from all over the country. 

Shortly after that he comes back and asked if we’re ready to order. I said “I’ll take a Coors Light” being thats one of the only beers that I know I like the taste of. He starts laughing saying that they dont carry American Beer here. I was screwed.. I did the most noobish thing possible I asked what did he recommend. He said some weird fucking weird German beer I believe and I said sure sounds great.  

Im not picky with beer ” It just taste so good when it hits your mouth”- Old School, So I liked this heavy so called ” Logger” drink after 2 of them and a belly full of food we we’re ready to go to another bar being that majority of the people there were there for a family dinner and not to get wasted “Not Fun”

So we get the check.. and its alot im scratching my head how can 2 beers, a pretzel, and a apple martini (I know I know pussy drink it was for the girl not me). Be Almost $60??. Apparently when you ask a bar tender his “ recommendations” its not about how good the beer taste its about recommending the most expensive beer on the menu to the little 21 year old Bar Virgin.

So after getting raped there which by the way he only got a $3.00 tip, we went to a Sports bar a few blocks down to finish watching the Jets and Colts game, which was an amazing game by the way. There was a $5 coverage charge just to get in the door and we quickly realize that even $5 was a rip off when we heard the DJ announce ” Happy 40th Birthday to Jennifer”.. What the fuck? is it just me or are you guys in shocked that a 40 year old was celebrating her birthday at a bar. I mean shouldnt she be home watching her kids?, my mother isnt even 40. 

So anyways we start a tab which is a big NO NO, due to your more likely to spend ALOT more money if your on a tab. I order 2 Coors light ( yeah I played it safe this time). And she order Cranberry Vodka, yet another drink for pussies. After the Game we dip out being everyone there was wayyyyyyyyyyyy older than us.

So Dana mentioned this bar names Spirits, but that she couldn’t remember if it was good or not being the only time she was there she was drunk. We Got there and the guy that checks your ID smelt like Pot and was half way retarded, He couldnt count to figure out if I was 21 or not I told him ” Bro its now 2011 and my ID says I was born in 89, I just turned 21” he just nodded and gave my card back. Now let me tell you this place sucks its nothing but a 2 story house with a wet bar, a few chairs and a fire, and the upstairs is a dance floor.

Being it was dead on the first floor we decided to go to the 2nd floor in hopes that it was more alive.The 2nd floor had the DJ playing music and only one person was up there sitting in a chair fist pumping by himself… yeah we left after witnessing that. And thats the night I lost my “Bar Virginity”